Peanut Butter: you are my enemy

I wonder if other moms have felt this, or still feel this way:

Ethan is almost 14 months old. He's officially a toddler. So there are things that toddler are allowed to have that babies are not: one of them being peanut butter.

I gave him his first taste of peanut butter. The TINIEST amount. And yeah he loved it. Who wouldn't? I was so excited at the prospect of adding another thing to his lunch menu. Was thinking that my husband can make him a mini peanut butter sandwich for lunch tomorrow (how cute would that be?)

Within 5 minutes, he started crying. Its not unusual for a toddler to cry out. But I was just playing with him and making him giggle. He suddenly reached out to me and cried out. When I picked him up, he was making little sucking motions with his mouth. That freaked me out. I imagined his throat closing up, and I imagined running to get his epipen jr (yes he has one) and jabbing him in the thigh with it. I tried rinsing his little mouth out with water. But a child in discomfort is not going to cooperate and listen to: rinse out your mouth, you'll feel better.

He kept whimpering and rubbing his face and his mouth. And I kept trying to wipe out whatever I could inside his mouth. His lips puffed up. OOOoohh shit. OH SHIT! But I had to stay calm for him. Luckily, my husband stayed cool and collected. He held him while I gave him some Benadryl. To which, as soon as he took it, he started making gagging/gurgling sounds. And he vomited his lunch. He kept retching and crying, and I'm still freaking out that he's going to pass out because maybe his throat is closing up. He didn't show any signs of asphyxiation, but I couldn't be too sure.

That was the worse feeling in the world. And its happened before. Babies and toddlers will gag, cough, and vomit a lot. Especially since they are learning to eat solids. And they have remarkable ability to purge when the piece of food doesn't agree with them. But each time it happens, the feeling is always the same. Panic, helplessness, desperation, but still must keep calm. And because I was the one who gave him the peanut butter, I felt like it was all my fault.

Ethan is completely fine now. Kids have such great attitudes. He had an allergic reaction, puked, got hives, and after cleaning up, all is forgotten. And he was back to dancing and laughing. But I'm still crying inside. I will never stop worrying about him.